*sigh*

I haven't written in a while for many reasons, the underlying of which is I don't want to lie. I ask myself "How can I write and tell all these people who may read this now or in the future that everything will be ok, when even I do not believe it?" To me this is lying. Right now I do not believe everything will be ok, things will happen, I will hate them, I'll get over them, they'll happen again. A stupid cycle, no? And I do not want to be a liar, to tell you all that everything is great and fine and I am a happy person, to give you the impression I run around picking daisies and preaching happiness. I want you all to know that I've cried myself to sleep. I've went to bed upset night after night. I've woken up screaming and crying from nightmares. I've locked myself in my room and thrown things. I gave up eating for 3 days before someone begged me to eat. I've contemplated giving up on life. But yet I'm here writing this. I want you all to know that these people that want to help, we understand. I refuse to sit here and preach to you about how you should eat more and not throw up, or how cutting won't help, or even how therapy is good for you. No, I'm going to tell you I understand. I understand the feeling of being hopeless, of feeling like you have nothing and no one to live for. And I will never tell you I'm a better or stronger person because I can slowly overcome it, because YOU are the stronger person for putting up with it. But alas, how can I leave such a depressing post like this, but oh no, I shan't. (Yay for olden English?) There is some good news amongst this. There is hope of overcoming it completely. And how, you may ask? By taking those little moments to forget. Gaze at the moon and lose yourself in thought. Remember the happy times with friends/family. Just forget, even if just for a moment, lose yourself in calmness.

At times like these, I turn to my pet cat. I know she will always be there, unlike people. After so many times of crazy crying and not having anyone pick up the phone, she was always there. And because not everyone has a pet, I want to help those like me who have no one there. Here's my personal email: rubiansavior@gmail.com I check it all the time. Here's my hotmail for IM: rubiansavior@hotmail.com I am often there. And if all else fails, try here: http://chat.mibbit.com/ At the top in the drop-down bar go to Coldfront And where it says nick, enter your name. And as for the channel, type: #starlit_night I am nearly always there, and I want to be there because I know what it's like when no one is. If I fail you and am not around, yell at me, berate me, hate me if you must, because I too know how that feels.

On an ending note, take care. If help is ever needed, I am here. Find those moments to remember the small things and to forget, it's your first step to being happy, no matter how many steps you must take.

Stay beautiful forever and always, because I think you are.
<3Erika<3