I am extremely sorry for the few months in between this post and the last. Sometimes time really does pass you by before you realize you've got some catching up to do. I can't say a whole hell of a lot has happened since the last post, but I didn't exactly say anything about myself. There has, however, been a lot of differences with the new year. Not everything has gone as smoothly as I would have preferred, but the year is significantly better than the last.
Just three days after the new year I turned 16 years old. Growing up I always thought that the age sixteen meant something meaningful. Maybe that somehow I would be treated in a better manner or have a new thread of light shown upon me. Nothing like that happened. In fact, it felt worse to be older and still have no say in anything I do. One year closer to freedom, two years too far away.
Alright, so after the birthday, the home situation went downhill rapidly. It ended up with my sister being removed from the home and placed into foster care, then a group home, and then finally into her biological father's custody. All because my mom decided to lift her hand again. Things after that...were bad. I flipped out during a family therapy meeting and pretty much told everyone to go and fuck themselves because the help I needed I wasn't getting. I was depressed and tired from being told repeatedly how much I'm not loved by other people and how much I'm fine. Just like before, I bottled everything up inside because being rejected hurt too much to face. After that, therapy was canceled completely and everyone kept pretty much to themselves. Until one night, problems escalated again. (So I don't have to write anything out again, here is what happened because of the escalation: Click me! )
The "anniversary," if you will, of when my mother put me in the hospital last year past without a single problem, even though I freaked about it for a month in advance.
Not too long ago I found out my sister has been placed back in foster care and if she tries to run away (again) she'll be put into juvenile detention for 6 months.
There's really no need for me to dwell on the past anymore. Or at all.
So, now I bring you to the most recent adventure I have been on. Ever since I decided that life is too important to complain about my situations, it has been a pretty nice ride. Here and there there have been major problems just like before, but I'm dealing with everything so much better. I haven't even thought of suicide since then. Yeah, I'm generally depressed at home, but like I said, I've created a better environment inside of myself. Anyway, for Father's day weekend (Starting on a Thursday, actually) I went on a canoe trip with my step dad and three of my sisters. Possibly the most fun I have ever had in my entire life. It was honestly like I was in an entirely different dimension where it was okay for me to eat and not think about getting fat and where I could have fun and not remember the place where I reside and the place I most dread. It got me thinking...what if I felt like this all the time?
I think I have the answer. Or, at least, I think I know how I can manage to feel just like that. It's really our own decision where our moods and feelings can be found. We just have to place ourselves in the situations we truly want to be in. If home to you isn't a home at all, figure out how to make yourself feel in place. Surround yourself by the people you love and don't forget those people exist, ever. Life really IS as important as many make it out to be. Almost 6 months have passed into the new year and you should be a stronger person than where you started before it arrived. And if you feel behind, there will always be time to work yourself up to where you feel best.
I don't have much else to say. I've been constantly distracted the hours I've been trying to write this. And I've been distracted by the beautiful world we live in.
Say no to the fucked up parts. Don't forget them, try to help them, and never be apart of them.
You're too beautiful to lose the reason why we're human.
Stay strong
Stay beautiful
Believe in a home you'll someday find.
I love you all so much
-Kylie
