When giving up seems best...

There is so much to say to everyone about the demon lounging in the back of your mind, waiting to pop up and steal away your willpower and dignity. There is really only a statement to let you know how important it is to fight against it.

You must always believe you are stronger than whatever it is that wants to break you apart.

Giving up may sometimes seem like the best plan, and it never has been, nor will it ever be. Giving up is exactly what others will want you to do, because there's something about loving to see people fail. It makes them feel better about themselves. So you need to be the best you can be YOURSELF. Giving up will never be the answer when times get hard, and it is beyond significant to understand that this is the only thing you should go by. You must believe you can do everything you're capable of, especially when it's rough. You must believe you can crush anything in your path when shit is set up in front of you to knock you over. You must believe in yourself.

Overall, you are the most important.

And other people believe in you, as well.

Don't ever forget that.

You're beautiful, and so are the people who stand by you.
-Kylie

"For all of the people out there who don't know if they wanna live or die..."

If you should dare smile...about the simplest aspects in our lives, would anything change? The answer is yes. Because everything can be compared to systems biology and the wonderful emergent properties that cause everything to work in the way they do, you are able to change the smallest thing about you and make everything change in a large way. Having the ability to see the smaller, beautiful things in life in a new perspective might make happiness come easier--you're enthusiastic about everything rather than just the whole. This is a method I adopted quite a while ago, and ever since then I see almost in undiscovered colors. And while at first it's strange to feel too excited about the rivets and ridges on your fingertips or the veins in a leaf, it's a great experience you can feel all around and forever.



I'm upset to say that life is still not looking up for myself but I'm hanging in with a tight grip. I am terrified of the fall that everyone is not totally assured won't occur, but this gives me even more reason to fight harder and keep this battle up until I am free. (Poem written to describe how I feel, which is officially my second poem getting published by request. Called Runaway)

Cracking, smacking, crushed beneath my feet
Found a letter in my pocket: the note of my defeat
I'm asking you not to speak about it—
Don't repeat the silence,
especially once I'm gone
because we all know my mind does that job well enough on its own.
I know I reek of unwashed jeans and sneakers—
The uncleanliness of slamming the front door,
breaking into a run once I skid away from the mirrored floor
Always looking back at me, never looking up at me
because we all know I'm the one below on this scale of indefinite chains.
Infinite escape into a place I once knew as euphoric,
lost to the world of promises in rhetoric
But we all know that place no longer holds a certainty
the fantasy
of delectation—delight
because it only made me think twice about my purposed placement,
something I no longer wanted to be a part of.
Childish, I kept telling myself;
Time to move on and let myself grieve
Wanted to get up and go—just leave
forget that it once made me feel okay inside,
find a warmer home I could then reside
And not worry about the watchful eye of the ones who take back,
keep back and restrain
because then there wouldn't be a reason to flee
And instead of a runaway, I could be free.

Recently I have attended two fantastic concerts, one weekend after another. First was the Rise Against and Foo Fighters Concert, which actually gave me an appreciation for America. See, Rise Against has been one of my favorite bands for some time because of their activist status, but I had no idea how much of an activist band the Foo Fighters were. They gave this amazing speech about how no matter who you are, what you are, who you want to be, you are an equal to every other human being in this nation we reside, because we accept people for being the most beautiful goddamn creatures on this planet. The other concert was yesterday, the Uproar Festival, which rocked my fucking voice out. The most famous bands present were Escape The Fate, Bullet For My Valentine, Seether, Three Days Grace and Avenged Sevenfold. Three Days Grace had the best performance, which is odd for me to say because I don't know much of their music. But anyway, the lead singer dedicated the song Never Too Late to all of the people in the crowd who don't know who they are yet or whether they want to live or die, because it's never too late to make it right. It was beautiful, and I almost cried. Music is such a great stress reliever and these two concerts couldn't have come in a more important time. I really needed the feeling of sound vibrations sifting through my body. I could feel it in my blood, and it was absolutely exotic. So this is my advice to you for this post: Listen to music! Your music taste is significant to your health, and don't let anyone tell you you're weird or stupid or whatever the hell they want to say because sound is music and music is sound, and everyone loves different types. Embrace your love for music, and if you're not into music...well, anything that soothes you will work. But honestly, I believe that music can ignite many different feelings and activities. It'll work for any occasion.


Well, last but certainly not least, I'd just like to mention that it is Autumn, my favorite season of all. :) I hope you all enjoy the beautiful colors that fall from the skies and get high off of that smell of the end nearing, all to start right back up again come Spring. Feel the leaves beneath your feet as you walk barefoot through the beautiful lands of our world, and stay beautiful yourselves.

I love you with all my heart can give.
-Kylie

Being thankful for the crutches in life

Just a little about my life in the recent times.

Well, let's just say that it's a large mixture of two completely opposite emotions, accompanied by all of their underlying emotions. Love and hate. For a while, I was going on a straight streak of wonderful happenings. For example, I received a letter from The America Library of Poetry about publishing one of my poems in their newest poetry collection edition called Acclaimed. Then I was hired at a local Dairy Queen that is luckily just down the street from my house. And for some reason I had this feeling I was in for a jackpot of money, and sure enough, a few days later I found seven dollars on the ground. Yeah, yeah. Seven dollars isn't much but it was still money!
Then my parents were granted legal 10 days a month visitation with my sister, so I've been seeing her regularly instead of once every three months.

On the underside, there is the awful fact that the aggravation and frustration levels have grown to a height I can no longer reach, therefore having me drown in them. I've already become severely depressed again and I'm trying to watch myself closely so I don't end up hurting myself. My friends have been warned so they can also help me out, but I know the situation could always turn out like before, where I hide everything. The thoughts of suicide and harming myself aren't as hovering and hindering as before, so I'm thankful to mother nature for giving me the strength to keep myself standing.

My parents still don't understand. All they're doing is pushing me closer and closer towards the dreadful drop from the bridge I'm standing on.

I'd like to thank a few people in my life for keeping by my side through times such as these.
Courtney - You have been there since the first day of second grade, and even though there were moments where we grew apart to grow up and have the sense to know where we stand, I have always loved you. I will always lend you my shoulder and ear when you need them. You're a great laugh around the clock and are serious when difficult matters are at hand. You are such a wonderful person, to myself and many others around you. You are a great part of my life and I would never try to break the beautiful bond we share.

Karly and Joseph - I can't stress enough how much you two mean to me. The summer we went to nationals together was the hardest summer I have ever had, but you two were right there to be my crutches. Karly, we have shared our tears and our experiences, and I am beyond thankful that our relationship has continued to build over the past few years. Though I've not known you as long as I've known Courtney, I consider you to be just as important and my spectacular companion in life (and that beautiful thing we do in forensics). Honestly, your friendship means the world to me. I love you so much.

Tyler - You're probably the most important person in regards to the health of my mental state, and you never fail to turn things around, even if it's just in the slightest ways. I can't believe how long it has been since the day we met, but just as I've said before, I'm entirely indebted to the reasons why this is so. When things got hard, I knew I could count on you and I knew that in someway, you would understand or could relate. Stop pretending you're not a beautiful person, because I know for a fact that you wouldn't have stood by me that terrible summer if you hadn't of had the heart for it. These times are tough but in due time we will all receive some happiness to carry us on to the future.

As for all of you beautiful people out there in the world, maybe you just need to take some time to thank the people who stand by you always. You don't even have to give them your letter or email, or whatever means of communication you choose to use, just think about it. It always seems to make me feel better. I'm all about giving you ideas to make YOU feel better, as well.

Keep holding on.
In due time, happiness will be presented.
-Kylie

Just a recap and update

I am extremely sorry for the few months in between this post and the last. Sometimes time really does pass you by before you realize you've got some catching up to do. I can't say a whole hell of a lot has happened since the last post, but I didn't exactly say anything about myself. There has, however, been a lot of differences with the new year. Not everything has gone as smoothly as I would have preferred, but the year is significantly better than the last.
Just three days after the new year I turned 16 years old. Growing up I always thought that the age sixteen meant something meaningful. Maybe that somehow I would be treated in a better manner or have a new thread of light shown upon me. Nothing like that happened. In fact, it felt worse to be older and still have no say in anything I do. One year closer to freedom, two years too far away.

Alright, so after the birthday, the home situation went downhill rapidly. It ended up with my sister being removed from the home and placed into foster care, then a group home, and then finally into her biological father's custody. All because my mom decided to lift her hand again. Things after that...were bad. I flipped out during a family therapy meeting and pretty much told everyone to go and fuck themselves because the help I needed I wasn't getting. I was depressed and tired from being told repeatedly how much I'm not loved by other people and how much I'm fine. Just like before, I bottled everything up inside because being rejected hurt too much to face. After that, therapy was canceled completely and everyone kept pretty much to themselves. Until one night, problems escalated again. (So I don't have to write anything out again, here is what happened because of the escalation: Click me! )
The "anniversary," if you will, of when my mother put me in the hospital last year past without a single problem, even though I freaked about it for a month in advance.
Not too long ago I found out my sister has been placed back in foster care and if she tries to run away (again) she'll be put into juvenile detention for 6 months.

There's really no need for me to dwell on the past anymore. Or at all.

So, now I bring you to the most recent adventure I have been on. Ever since I decided that life is too important to complain about my situations, it has been a pretty nice ride. Here and there there have been major problems just like before, but I'm dealing with everything so much better. I haven't even thought of suicide since then. Yeah, I'm generally depressed at home, but like I said, I've created a better environment inside of myself. Anyway, for Father's day weekend (Starting on a Thursday, actually) I went on a canoe trip with my step dad and three of my sisters. Possibly the most fun I have ever had in my entire life. It was honestly like I was in an entirely different dimension where it was okay for me to eat and not think about getting fat and where I could have fun and not remember the place where I reside and the place I most dread. It got me thinking...what if I felt like this all the time?

I think I have the answer. Or, at least, I think I know how I can manage to feel just like that. It's really our own decision where our moods and feelings can be found. We just have to place ourselves in the situations we truly want to be in. If home to you isn't a home at all, figure out how to make yourself feel in place. Surround yourself by the people you love and don't forget those people exist, ever. Life really IS as important as many make it out to be. Almost 6 months have passed into the new year and you should be a stronger person than where you started before it arrived. And if you feel behind, there will always be time to work yourself up to where you feel best.

I don't have much else to say. I've been constantly distracted the hours I've been trying to write this. And I've been distracted by the beautiful world we live in.

Say no to the fucked up parts. Don't forget them, try to help them, and never be apart of them.
You're too beautiful to lose the reason why we're human.

Stay strong
Stay beautiful
Believe in a home you'll someday find.

I love you all so much
-Kylie

Heh. The world is in our hands. I found this photo on deviantArt.com. It's very symbolistic, in my opinion. It shows that we do have control over the earth, because we're in charge of what happens to it. We're the one's who create pollution, littering and bad habits.

The world is just as important as you yourselves are. Yes, the world is beautiful but...we have to keep it that way. Just like it's your responsibility to keep your head held high and your chin set, with a smile on your face, looking back into the mirror and telling yourself, "Look. You ARE gorgeous." (Poem posted below for more on the mirror issue)

My next point about the photo is it's quite ironic. Ironic in that there is starvation in the world, but the world happens to be an apple that we can eat. What can YOU do to help the people that are starving?
>More importantly, what can you do to help Japan at this moment in time? Natural disasters have left them almost helpless in parts, and it's a sad sight. Donating anything to help will make you shine a little brighter, for such great purposes. There is so much you can do for the world. Do it.

Here's the aforementioned poem (written by someone I know):

i looked into the mirror today
and the mirror looked back.

i said to the me behind the glass
head down shoulders slumped
no heart no conviction:

you'll never be worth it.

silence.

then the mirror-me looked up
shoulders up, chin up, proud
and said:

who are you to tell me
what i'm worth
what i'll be
what i am?
i am you you are me

and i fucking DEMAND
that you treat me with respect.
that's what i'm worth.
that's what you're worth.
and you'll have it.

you're right, i said.
i am, i said.
i love you, we said.
and on went our day
a little brighter.

And with that I leave you to wonder, lovelies.
Keep it simple
Keep it beautiful
-Kylie