Being thankful for the crutches in life

Just a little about my life in the recent times.

Well, let's just say that it's a large mixture of two completely opposite emotions, accompanied by all of their underlying emotions. Love and hate. For a while, I was going on a straight streak of wonderful happenings. For example, I received a letter from The America Library of Poetry about publishing one of my poems in their newest poetry collection edition called Acclaimed. Then I was hired at a local Dairy Queen that is luckily just down the street from my house. And for some reason I had this feeling I was in for a jackpot of money, and sure enough, a few days later I found seven dollars on the ground. Yeah, yeah. Seven dollars isn't much but it was still money!
Then my parents were granted legal 10 days a month visitation with my sister, so I've been seeing her regularly instead of once every three months.

On the underside, there is the awful fact that the aggravation and frustration levels have grown to a height I can no longer reach, therefore having me drown in them. I've already become severely depressed again and I'm trying to watch myself closely so I don't end up hurting myself. My friends have been warned so they can also help me out, but I know the situation could always turn out like before, where I hide everything. The thoughts of suicide and harming myself aren't as hovering and hindering as before, so I'm thankful to mother nature for giving me the strength to keep myself standing.

My parents still don't understand. All they're doing is pushing me closer and closer towards the dreadful drop from the bridge I'm standing on.

I'd like to thank a few people in my life for keeping by my side through times such as these.
Courtney - You have been there since the first day of second grade, and even though there were moments where we grew apart to grow up and have the sense to know where we stand, I have always loved you. I will always lend you my shoulder and ear when you need them. You're a great laugh around the clock and are serious when difficult matters are at hand. You are such a wonderful person, to myself and many others around you. You are a great part of my life and I would never try to break the beautiful bond we share.

Karly and Joseph - I can't stress enough how much you two mean to me. The summer we went to nationals together was the hardest summer I have ever had, but you two were right there to be my crutches. Karly, we have shared our tears and our experiences, and I am beyond thankful that our relationship has continued to build over the past few years. Though I've not known you as long as I've known Courtney, I consider you to be just as important and my spectacular companion in life (and that beautiful thing we do in forensics). Honestly, your friendship means the world to me. I love you so much.

Tyler - You're probably the most important person in regards to the health of my mental state, and you never fail to turn things around, even if it's just in the slightest ways. I can't believe how long it has been since the day we met, but just as I've said before, I'm entirely indebted to the reasons why this is so. When things got hard, I knew I could count on you and I knew that in someway, you would understand or could relate. Stop pretending you're not a beautiful person, because I know for a fact that you wouldn't have stood by me that terrible summer if you hadn't of had the heart for it. These times are tough but in due time we will all receive some happiness to carry us on to the future.

As for all of you beautiful people out there in the world, maybe you just need to take some time to thank the people who stand by you always. You don't even have to give them your letter or email, or whatever means of communication you choose to use, just think about it. It always seems to make me feel better. I'm all about giving you ideas to make YOU feel better, as well.

Keep holding on.
In due time, happiness will be presented.
-Kylie

Just a recap and update

I am extremely sorry for the few months in between this post and the last. Sometimes time really does pass you by before you realize you've got some catching up to do. I can't say a whole hell of a lot has happened since the last post, but I didn't exactly say anything about myself. There has, however, been a lot of differences with the new year. Not everything has gone as smoothly as I would have preferred, but the year is significantly better than the last.
Just three days after the new year I turned 16 years old. Growing up I always thought that the age sixteen meant something meaningful. Maybe that somehow I would be treated in a better manner or have a new thread of light shown upon me. Nothing like that happened. In fact, it felt worse to be older and still have no say in anything I do. One year closer to freedom, two years too far away.

Alright, so after the birthday, the home situation went downhill rapidly. It ended up with my sister being removed from the home and placed into foster care, then a group home, and then finally into her biological father's custody. All because my mom decided to lift her hand again. Things after that...were bad. I flipped out during a family therapy meeting and pretty much told everyone to go and fuck themselves because the help I needed I wasn't getting. I was depressed and tired from being told repeatedly how much I'm not loved by other people and how much I'm fine. Just like before, I bottled everything up inside because being rejected hurt too much to face. After that, therapy was canceled completely and everyone kept pretty much to themselves. Until one night, problems escalated again. (So I don't have to write anything out again, here is what happened because of the escalation: Click me! )
The "anniversary," if you will, of when my mother put me in the hospital last year past without a single problem, even though I freaked about it for a month in advance.
Not too long ago I found out my sister has been placed back in foster care and if she tries to run away (again) she'll be put into juvenile detention for 6 months.

There's really no need for me to dwell on the past anymore. Or at all.

So, now I bring you to the most recent adventure I have been on. Ever since I decided that life is too important to complain about my situations, it has been a pretty nice ride. Here and there there have been major problems just like before, but I'm dealing with everything so much better. I haven't even thought of suicide since then. Yeah, I'm generally depressed at home, but like I said, I've created a better environment inside of myself. Anyway, for Father's day weekend (Starting on a Thursday, actually) I went on a canoe trip with my step dad and three of my sisters. Possibly the most fun I have ever had in my entire life. It was honestly like I was in an entirely different dimension where it was okay for me to eat and not think about getting fat and where I could have fun and not remember the place where I reside and the place I most dread. It got me thinking...what if I felt like this all the time?

I think I have the answer. Or, at least, I think I know how I can manage to feel just like that. It's really our own decision where our moods and feelings can be found. We just have to place ourselves in the situations we truly want to be in. If home to you isn't a home at all, figure out how to make yourself feel in place. Surround yourself by the people you love and don't forget those people exist, ever. Life really IS as important as many make it out to be. Almost 6 months have passed into the new year and you should be a stronger person than where you started before it arrived. And if you feel behind, there will always be time to work yourself up to where you feel best.

I don't have much else to say. I've been constantly distracted the hours I've been trying to write this. And I've been distracted by the beautiful world we live in.

Say no to the fucked up parts. Don't forget them, try to help them, and never be apart of them.
You're too beautiful to lose the reason why we're human.

Stay strong
Stay beautiful
Believe in a home you'll someday find.

I love you all so much
-Kylie

Heh. The world is in our hands. I found this photo on deviantArt.com. It's very symbolistic, in my opinion. It shows that we do have control over the earth, because we're in charge of what happens to it. We're the one's who create pollution, littering and bad habits.

The world is just as important as you yourselves are. Yes, the world is beautiful but...we have to keep it that way. Just like it's your responsibility to keep your head held high and your chin set, with a smile on your face, looking back into the mirror and telling yourself, "Look. You ARE gorgeous." (Poem posted below for more on the mirror issue)

My next point about the photo is it's quite ironic. Ironic in that there is starvation in the world, but the world happens to be an apple that we can eat. What can YOU do to help the people that are starving?
>More importantly, what can you do to help Japan at this moment in time? Natural disasters have left them almost helpless in parts, and it's a sad sight. Donating anything to help will make you shine a little brighter, for such great purposes. There is so much you can do for the world. Do it.

Here's the aforementioned poem (written by someone I know):

i looked into the mirror today
and the mirror looked back.

i said to the me behind the glass
head down shoulders slumped
no heart no conviction:

you'll never be worth it.

silence.

then the mirror-me looked up
shoulders up, chin up, proud
and said:

who are you to tell me
what i'm worth
what i'll be
what i am?
i am you you are me

and i fucking DEMAND
that you treat me with respect.
that's what i'm worth.
that's what you're worth.
and you'll have it.

you're right, i said.
i am, i said.
i love you, we said.
and on went our day
a little brighter.

And with that I leave you to wonder, lovelies.
Keep it simple
Keep it beautiful
-Kylie

This is it

I wrote a poem, and thought it might bring some spirits up if I shared it. It's about life. And how you should be who you are, and embrace the you you are because you've made yourself, and kept yourself running, after each and every obstacle put in your path.

I think life is a lot less than we make it out to be, but at the same time, way more than anyone could ever imagine. We leave so much for granted and act like we have the worst lives in the books. Well, no one says you don't. But try and live it as is, because it's what you have, and there's nothing else to do but die. And that's not an option until it's beautiful, like memento mori <3

Beautiful Life

The weakness is unavoidable
but you're afraid to embrace
the inevitable.
If scars could sow themselves up
to blend with skin
before the damage was done
Would you choose to let it mend
Or reveal yourself as you are now?
and should be
No regrets left on the path
leading from the heels of your feet
To the beginning
where you once began.
What if starting over
was just a button
on the tips of your fingers?
Would you push it
Or follow the footsteps
you created
when you first learned to run?
Free as a dragonfly
Small as a rollie pollie
But still able to survive
against the world as we know it.
If they're making you choose
Refuse
to let them take away the rights
of owning every emotion
by humankind.
When life gives you love
you accept the hate that follows
With the tears and the laughs
and the everything that is.
Life is not a game
and we are not the players
Life is an open book
With the beginning
Middle
And end not set and stone
But cut between choices
Chosen by us as ourselves
and followed with the consequences
Like each written page should be.
So we are the characters we create ourselves
In the story book that we continue to write, as well
And with each blink of your eyes
a few more words are added
to the intersection you've come so far to get to.
Several more chapters
with more than enough years
to sell to Bella Morte herself
For a bella vita accomplished

For those who aren't familiar with the Italian language:
bella morte - beautiful death
bella vita - beautiful life

And I'm out.
Stay beautiful, and lead a beautiful life.
-Kylie

Maybe there's more to the years...

Four more days until Christmas, and yet each hour that we get closer to it, the less it even feels like winter itself. Kansas is rather warm for the winters, and makes me wonder if the hoax of global warming is really a hoax at all.

For some of you, the year has blown after pretty fairly. And for others, well, let's just say it hasn't been the best year yet. For me, it's been the worst of the 15, almost 16, years of life. Over 6 months ago, my mother beat the life out of me, and left me panicking on my bed, hyperventilating and scared out of my whits. There were bruises on my face, neck and collarbone. Hair fallen on the floor from my scalp, and bruises unseen on my head. Slash marks on my arms and a bite on my wrist/hand. I still have the scar from the bite. A constant reminder that my family is nutcase insane, but I'm living, because there's nothing else I can do to get OUT. I'm not one to believe in heaven or hell, but I'm not ready to leave this world quite yet for whatever comes afterwards.

A few weeks ago, my dog of 8 years was stolen. She was like my first best friend. And it hurts knowing that this Christmas, she won't be there to open her presents.

And the last big event of late happened today. I come home to a mailbox full of cards written to myself and siblings from the grandparents my mother has shunned. We have not seen them in 4-5 years. After opening the card, I grabbed the phone and phone book, and called my grandmother. We sat on the phone, myself, and two of my sisters, with her and cried, and exclaimed how much we missed each other. We made her day, but it has made my year.

Grandmothers and grandparents are one of a kind, don't ever let them go. If they love and care for you, why bother letting the relationship stray away? Family is one of a kind...and sometimes it can be tempting to let those relationships stray away, but all you need is a little more heart and forgiveness to let it all go. And when it's not enough, because sometimes the forgiven don't deserve the forgiveness, don't let it bring you down. Move on, carry on, and stick to the one's who are there. Sometimes your family isn't really a family at all, but a pack of friends. If it's all you've got, it's what you need, then hold onto it.

Surrounding me are the people I love, and the people I distrust. There will always be all types of people around you, and you can't let it get in the way. Obstacles are meant to be overcome through the years. Maybe that's what the years are for, to see how much you CAN, in fact, overcome. It's all a test. And aging only shows how much and long you've survived. It's not a race, but if you can last, you're a survivor <3

~Kylie