Today is National Suicide Awareness Day.
All who know me, or have read this site before, know that I am a huge advocate against Suicide and I try to help those around me that are dealing with hardships, depression and any thoughts of suicide. It is such a serious issue, and my heart goes out to all of those who have lost loved ones to the horrible disease.
I have lost a family member to suicide, and I've been through enough to know the ropes of depression and its effects. It is not always a selfish act, so do not push people away who are feeling this low, you should be there for those people! Sometimes people aren't told enough, or shown enough, how much they are loved. So, remember to tell someone you love today that they are well appreciated, and remember that each and every one of you are loved.
Remain beautiful
Remember love in the lowest of all times
-Kylie
Monday, September 10, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Change
I opened a fortune cookie today and probably received one of the largest truths in a while. Not only that, but it was a beautiful hint of advice that I am faithfully applying to my life recently.
The fortune cookie read, "Idleness is the holiday of fools."
Does anyone understand what that means? Well, I'll tell you what it means to me.
For the longest time I have sat and just allowed everything to happen around me, because I have felt helpless. I have felt like there is not much for me to do.
However, the truth is that by sitting idle, you are allowing even the negative events to occur, you are sitting and watching bad things happen to you and to those around you.
How is this fair? How is this right? How is this anything but foolish?
Well, I'll tell you what, I didn't have an incredible saying to go along with it at first, but for the past month I have felt that sitting and doing nothing is not for me anymore.
I am so tired of letting people control my life. I am so tired of letting people walk all over me, tired of letting bad things happen when I DO have a say, I DO have an obligation to stop what is not right.
So, I've begun to stand up for myself. I am telling people "no."
I am fighting for what I believe is in the best interest for myself, and I do not need any goddamn help from anyone else, because what has that help given me in the past? Almost nothing but more pain.
It is time that my independent status actually shown through, and I do not care that by law I still have four months to wait until I am of legal age to decide where I am living, to have my own bank account without a cosigner, and to decide against any other idiotic obstacles that there are standing in my way.
If what I'm being told will hinder me in ANY form or way, hinder ANY aspect of my life, then I am not going through with it and I am doing what I need to do to be in the best shape for this very important year in my life.
I believe it is time for adults to be adults, and that requires growing up, taking responsibilities, making those responsibilities priority and being an overall good person.
I will not give respect to my elders that have NO respect for those below them, NO respect for those above them, and absolutely NO respect for themselves. These are vital to caring for other people. And one must learn this before any duties can be taken into responsibility.
Respect is so important.
And honesty is right along those lines.
Here begins the start of a revolution in my world, because I am not backing down; I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power that I know is right.
And it is my advice to the world that you keep your head up and you do what is right for yourself, too. Because you come FIRST.
Keep in mind that you must be appropriate and not get into any trouble, because trouble does not help you in the least bit, but do what is necessary. Become who you are against those who are pushing you down and folding you in so that you cannot flourish.
I tell you to flourish, anyway.
Always remain beautiful.
Love and be loved.
Respect is key.
--Kylie
The fortune cookie read, "Idleness is the holiday of fools."
Does anyone understand what that means? Well, I'll tell you what it means to me.
For the longest time I have sat and just allowed everything to happen around me, because I have felt helpless. I have felt like there is not much for me to do.
However, the truth is that by sitting idle, you are allowing even the negative events to occur, you are sitting and watching bad things happen to you and to those around you.
How is this fair? How is this right? How is this anything but foolish?
Well, I'll tell you what, I didn't have an incredible saying to go along with it at first, but for the past month I have felt that sitting and doing nothing is not for me anymore.
I am so tired of letting people control my life. I am so tired of letting people walk all over me, tired of letting bad things happen when I DO have a say, I DO have an obligation to stop what is not right.
So, I've begun to stand up for myself. I am telling people "no."
I am fighting for what I believe is in the best interest for myself, and I do not need any goddamn help from anyone else, because what has that help given me in the past? Almost nothing but more pain.
It is time that my independent status actually shown through, and I do not care that by law I still have four months to wait until I am of legal age to decide where I am living, to have my own bank account without a cosigner, and to decide against any other idiotic obstacles that there are standing in my way.
If what I'm being told will hinder me in ANY form or way, hinder ANY aspect of my life, then I am not going through with it and I am doing what I need to do to be in the best shape for this very important year in my life.
I believe it is time for adults to be adults, and that requires growing up, taking responsibilities, making those responsibilities priority and being an overall good person.
I will not give respect to my elders that have NO respect for those below them, NO respect for those above them, and absolutely NO respect for themselves. These are vital to caring for other people. And one must learn this before any duties can be taken into responsibility.
Respect is so important.
And honesty is right along those lines.
Here begins the start of a revolution in my world, because I am not backing down; I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power that I know is right.
And it is my advice to the world that you keep your head up and you do what is right for yourself, too. Because you come FIRST.
Keep in mind that you must be appropriate and not get into any trouble, because trouble does not help you in the least bit, but do what is necessary. Become who you are against those who are pushing you down and folding you in so that you cannot flourish.
I tell you to flourish, anyway.
Always remain beautiful.
Love and be loved.
Respect is key.
--Kylie
Monday, May 14, 2012
Living with optimism: screwing the bastards who want to eat you for breakfast
Screw those people who tell you that you aren't capable.
Screw every single person that has ever told you no, ever called you something awful, ever insulted a talent you've felt passionately about.
Screw people who insult you in general, because you should believe what you truly believe about yourself and not what they're trying to make you believe.
Do you know how many times I've listened to people call me stupid, a failure, a bitch, a liar, a fake, someone who will "never make it in life," someone who is a follower?
Do you know how many times I've fallen for the same, boring lies?
I know I'm not any of those. Yet, when my mother would tell me those things, I would hate myself with so much anger and rage and depression that it would eat away at my self preservation and I would end up vulnerable to every single horrible thing that could ever be said or done to me, and I would lose all self-esteem in the process.
Sometimes, most often times, I believed I deserved those hurtful words.
But let me tell you, you can rise above every last one of those letters that makes up the screwed up language that is of hate. You can rise against the forces that want to hold you back.
And who really cares why they do those things to you?
You know why you shouldn't care?
Because fuck that.
It is so damn IMPORTANT to know that you can do ANYTHING if you have enough willpower to do so. (Speaking in terms of actual abilities, you cannot fly without any equipment, please do not go jump off of a building thinking you can. Let's be literal here).
You know what I have accomplished, despite the environment I have been submersed in my entire life?
I have accomplished the success of overcoming.
I have accomplished love, and refused to hate (though I have found I think I'm incapable of such a strong emotion towards other humans), and I regret nothing.
I have accomplished fulfilling my dreams, if not just starting out by creating them and hopefully continuing to progress.
I have accomplished living life the way a person should through difficult times.
And you know what that means?
You. Can. Too.
I just want to fucking SCREAM.
Scream and shout and tell you that you CAN. You can do what you WANT. Live in the boundary lines of right and stray far from the wrong side and you can accomplish so much, the very much you have planned throughout your childhood.
Because I know each and every one of you has a dream, a mapped out plan for life, that sweet, perfect life you've always wanted.
Nothing will ever always be given to you but you can earn a lot of it.
So, work for it.
And screw those assholes who are telling you no.
And you know what else?
For those of you who have sour attitudes and want to use the excuse that you have a horrible life,
stoppit.
You people make me sick because I KNOW you can do better, I KNOW you can be polite and nice and not awful and rude all of the time, because I do it. I've met other people who do it.
Take what has happened to you and turn it into something GOOD, turn it into life lessons that not many people can learn on their own, turn it into standards that you can set for yourself so you can never be like those people who bring others down, and come out knowing that you are a better person because of what has happened to you.
Stop ruining what you have left for yourself by making others feel awful, too.
If you want any chance at happiness, grasp it with WELCOMING arms and don't shove it back because you're afraid.
Go ahead and let people get close to you, I promise, it is SO much better to have loved and let go/lost rather than to have not loved at all.
It's apart of life.
Live it. Love it.
Stay beautiful.
-Kylie
Screw every single person that has ever told you no, ever called you something awful, ever insulted a talent you've felt passionately about.
Screw people who insult you in general, because you should believe what you truly believe about yourself and not what they're trying to make you believe.
Do you know how many times I've listened to people call me stupid, a failure, a bitch, a liar, a fake, someone who will "never make it in life," someone who is a follower?
Do you know how many times I've fallen for the same, boring lies?
I know I'm not any of those. Yet, when my mother would tell me those things, I would hate myself with so much anger and rage and depression that it would eat away at my self preservation and I would end up vulnerable to every single horrible thing that could ever be said or done to me, and I would lose all self-esteem in the process.
Sometimes, most often times, I believed I deserved those hurtful words.
But let me tell you, you can rise above every last one of those letters that makes up the screwed up language that is of hate. You can rise against the forces that want to hold you back.
And who really cares why they do those things to you?
You know why you shouldn't care?
Because fuck that.
It is so damn IMPORTANT to know that you can do ANYTHING if you have enough willpower to do so. (Speaking in terms of actual abilities, you cannot fly without any equipment, please do not go jump off of a building thinking you can. Let's be literal here).
You know what I have accomplished, despite the environment I have been submersed in my entire life?
I have accomplished the success of overcoming.
I have accomplished love, and refused to hate (though I have found I think I'm incapable of such a strong emotion towards other humans), and I regret nothing.
I have accomplished fulfilling my dreams, if not just starting out by creating them and hopefully continuing to progress.
I have accomplished living life the way a person should through difficult times.
And you know what that means?
You. Can. Too.
I just want to fucking SCREAM.
Scream and shout and tell you that you CAN. You can do what you WANT. Live in the boundary lines of right and stray far from the wrong side and you can accomplish so much, the very much you have planned throughout your childhood.
Because I know each and every one of you has a dream, a mapped out plan for life, that sweet, perfect life you've always wanted.
Nothing will ever always be given to you but you can earn a lot of it.
So, work for it.
And screw those assholes who are telling you no.
And you know what else?
For those of you who have sour attitudes and want to use the excuse that you have a horrible life,
stoppit.
You people make me sick because I KNOW you can do better, I KNOW you can be polite and nice and not awful and rude all of the time, because I do it. I've met other people who do it.
Take what has happened to you and turn it into something GOOD, turn it into life lessons that not many people can learn on their own, turn it into standards that you can set for yourself so you can never be like those people who bring others down, and come out knowing that you are a better person because of what has happened to you.
Stop ruining what you have left for yourself by making others feel awful, too.
If you want any chance at happiness, grasp it with WELCOMING arms and don't shove it back because you're afraid.
Go ahead and let people get close to you, I promise, it is SO much better to have loved and let go/lost rather than to have not loved at all.
It's apart of life.
Live it. Love it.
Stay beautiful.
-Kylie
Thursday, November 3, 2011
When giving up seems best...
There is so much to say to everyone about the demon lounging in the back of your mind, waiting to pop up and steal away your willpower and dignity. There is really only a statement to let you know how important it is to fight against it.
You must always believe you are stronger than whatever it is that wants to break you apart.
Giving up may sometimes seem like the best plan, and it never has been, nor will it ever be. Giving up is exactly what others will want you to do, because there's something about loving to see people fail. It makes them feel better about themselves. So you need to be the best you can be YOURSELF. Giving up will never be the answer when times get hard, and it is beyond significant to understand that this is the only thing you should go by. You must believe you can do everything you're capable of, especially when it's rough. You must believe you can crush anything in your path when shit is set up in front of you to knock you over. You must believe in yourself.
Overall, you are the most important.
And other people believe in you, as well.
Don't ever forget that.
You're beautiful, and so are the people who stand by you.
-Kylie
You must always believe you are stronger than whatever it is that wants to break you apart.
Giving up may sometimes seem like the best plan, and it never has been, nor will it ever be. Giving up is exactly what others will want you to do, because there's something about loving to see people fail. It makes them feel better about themselves. So you need to be the best you can be YOURSELF. Giving up will never be the answer when times get hard, and it is beyond significant to understand that this is the only thing you should go by. You must believe you can do everything you're capable of, especially when it's rough. You must believe you can crush anything in your path when shit is set up in front of you to knock you over. You must believe in yourself.
Overall, you are the most important.
And other people believe in you, as well.
Don't ever forget that.
You're beautiful, and so are the people who stand by you.
-Kylie
Sunday, September 25, 2011
"For all of the people out there who don't know if they wanna live or die..."
If you should dare smile...about the simplest aspects in our lives, would anything change? The answer is yes. Because everything can be compared to systems biology and the wonderful emergent properties that cause everything to work in the way they do, you are able to change the smallest thing about you and make everything change in a large way. Having the ability to see the smaller, beautiful things in life in a new perspective might make happiness come easier--you're enthusiastic about everything rather than just the whole. This is a method I adopted quite a while ago, and ever since then I see almost in undiscovered colors. And while at first it's strange to feel too excited about the rivets and ridges on your fingertips or the veins in a leaf, it's a great experience you can feel all around and forever.
I'm upset to say that life is still not looking up for myself but I'm hanging in with a tight grip. I am terrified of the fall that everyone is not totally assured won't occur, but this gives me even more reason to fight harder and keep this battle up until I am free. (Poem written to describe how I feel, which is officially my second poem getting published by request. Called Runaway)
Cracking, smacking, crushed beneath my feet
Found a letter in my pocket: the note of my defeat
I'm asking you not to speak about it—
Don't repeat the silence,
especially once I'm gone
because we all know my mind does that job well enough on its own.
I know I reek of unwashed jeans and sneakers—
The uncleanliness of slamming the front door,
breaking into a run once I skid away from the mirrored floor
Always looking back at me, never looking up at me
because we all know I'm the one below on this scale of indefinite chains.
Infinite escape into a place I once knew as euphoric,
lost to the world of promises in rhetoric
But we all know that place no longer holds a certainty
the fantasy
of delectation—delight
because it only made me think twice about my purposed placement,
something I no longer wanted to be a part of.
Childish, I kept telling myself;
Time to move on and let myself grieve
Wanted to get up and go—just leave
forget that it once made me feel okay inside,
find a warmer home I could then reside
And not worry about the watchful eye of the ones who take back,
keep back and restrain
because then there wouldn't be a reason to flee
And instead of a runaway, I could be free.
Recently I have attended two fantastic concerts, one weekend after another. First was the Rise Against and Foo Fighters Concert, which actually gave me an appreciation for America. See, Rise Against has been one of my favorite bands for some time because of their activist status, but I had no idea how much of an activist band the Foo Fighters were. They gave this amazing speech about how no matter who you are, what you are, who you want to be, you are an equal to every other human being in this nation we reside, because we accept people for being the most beautiful goddamn creatures on this planet. The other concert was yesterday, the Uproar Festival, which rocked my fucking voice out. The most famous bands present were Escape The Fate, Bullet For My Valentine, Seether, Three Days Grace and Avenged Sevenfold. Three Days Grace had the best performance, which is odd for me to say because I don't know much of their music. But anyway, the lead singer dedicated the song Never Too Late to all of the people in the crowd who don't know who they are yet or whether they want to live or die, because it's never too late to make it right. It was beautiful, and I almost cried. Music is such a great stress reliever and these two concerts couldn't have come in a more important time. I really needed the feeling of sound vibrations sifting through my body. I could feel it in my blood, and it was absolutely exotic. So this is my advice to you for this post: Listen to music! Your music taste is significant to your health, and don't let anyone tell you you're weird or stupid or whatever the hell they want to say because sound is music and music is sound, and everyone loves different types. Embrace your love for music, and if you're not into music...well, anything that soothes you will work. But honestly, I believe that music can ignite many different feelings and activities. It'll work for any occasion.
Well, last but certainly not least, I'd just like to mention that it is Autumn, my favorite season of all. :) I hope you all enjoy the beautiful colors that fall from the skies and get high off of that smell of the end nearing, all to start right back up again come Spring. Feel the leaves beneath your feet as you walk barefoot through the beautiful lands of our world, and stay beautiful yourselves.
I love you with all my heart can give.
-Kylie
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Being thankful for the crutches in life
Just a little about my life in the recent times.
Well, let's just say that it's a large mixture of two completely opposite emotions, accompanied by all of their underlying emotions. Love and hate. For a while, I was going on a straight streak of wonderful happenings. For example, I received a letter from The America Library of Poetry about publishing one of my poems in their newest poetry collection edition called Acclaimed. Then I was hired at a local Dairy Queen that is luckily just down the street from my house. And for some reason I had this feeling I was in for a jackpot of money, and sure enough, a few days later I found seven dollars on the ground. Yeah, yeah. Seven dollars isn't much but it was still money!
Then my parents were granted legal 10 days a month visitation with my sister, so I've been seeing her regularly instead of once every three months.
On the underside, there is the awful fact that the aggravation and frustration levels have grown to a height I can no longer reach, therefore having me drown in them. I've already become severely depressed again and I'm trying to watch myself closely so I don't end up hurting myself. My friends have been warned so they can also help me out, but I know the situation could always turn out like before, where I hide everything. The thoughts of suicide and harming myself aren't as hovering and hindering as before, so I'm thankful to mother nature for giving me the strength to keep myself standing.
My parents still don't understand. All they're doing is pushing me closer and closer towards the dreadful drop from the bridge I'm standing on.
I'd like to thank a few people in my life for keeping by my side through times such as these.
Courtney - You have been there since the first day of second grade, and even though there were moments where we grew apart to grow up and have the sense to know where we stand, I have always loved you. I will always lend you my shoulder and ear when you need them. You're a great laugh around the clock and are serious when difficult matters are at hand. You are such a wonderful person, to myself and many others around you. You are a great part of my life and I would never try to break the beautiful bond we share.
Karly and Joseph - I can't stress enough how much you two mean to me. The summer we went to nationals together was the hardest summer I have ever had, but you two were right there to be my crutches. Karly, we have shared our tears and our experiences, and I am beyond thankful that our relationship has continued to build over the past few years. Though I've not known you as long as I've known Courtney, I consider you to be just as important and my spectacular companion in life (and that beautiful thing we do in forensics). Honestly, your friendship means the world to me. I love you so much.
Tyler - You're probably the most important person in regards to the health of my mental state, and you never fail to turn things around, even if it's just in the slightest ways. I can't believe how long it has been since the day we met, but just as I've said before, I'm entirely indebted to the reasons why this is so. When things got hard, I knew I could count on you and I knew that in someway, you would understand or could relate. Stop pretending you're not a beautiful person, because I know for a fact that you wouldn't have stood by me that terrible summer if you hadn't of had the heart for it. These times are tough but in due time we will all receive some happiness to carry us on to the future.
As for all of you beautiful people out there in the world, maybe you just need to take some time to thank the people who stand by you always. You don't even have to give them your letter or email, or whatever means of communication you choose to use, just think about it. It always seems to make me feel better. I'm all about giving you ideas to make YOU feel better, as well.
Keep holding on.
In due time, happiness will be presented.
-Kylie
Well, let's just say that it's a large mixture of two completely opposite emotions, accompanied by all of their underlying emotions. Love and hate. For a while, I was going on a straight streak of wonderful happenings. For example, I received a letter from The America Library of Poetry about publishing one of my poems in their newest poetry collection edition called Acclaimed. Then I was hired at a local Dairy Queen that is luckily just down the street from my house. And for some reason I had this feeling I was in for a jackpot of money, and sure enough, a few days later I found seven dollars on the ground. Yeah, yeah. Seven dollars isn't much but it was still money!
Then my parents were granted legal 10 days a month visitation with my sister, so I've been seeing her regularly instead of once every three months.
On the underside, there is the awful fact that the aggravation and frustration levels have grown to a height I can no longer reach, therefore having me drown in them. I've already become severely depressed again and I'm trying to watch myself closely so I don't end up hurting myself. My friends have been warned so they can also help me out, but I know the situation could always turn out like before, where I hide everything. The thoughts of suicide and harming myself aren't as hovering and hindering as before, so I'm thankful to mother nature for giving me the strength to keep myself standing.
My parents still don't understand. All they're doing is pushing me closer and closer towards the dreadful drop from the bridge I'm standing on.
I'd like to thank a few people in my life for keeping by my side through times such as these.
Courtney - You have been there since the first day of second grade, and even though there were moments where we grew apart to grow up and have the sense to know where we stand, I have always loved you. I will always lend you my shoulder and ear when you need them. You're a great laugh around the clock and are serious when difficult matters are at hand. You are such a wonderful person, to myself and many others around you. You are a great part of my life and I would never try to break the beautiful bond we share.
Karly and Joseph - I can't stress enough how much you two mean to me. The summer we went to nationals together was the hardest summer I have ever had, but you two were right there to be my crutches. Karly, we have shared our tears and our experiences, and I am beyond thankful that our relationship has continued to build over the past few years. Though I've not known you as long as I've known Courtney, I consider you to be just as important and my spectacular companion in life (and that beautiful thing we do in forensics). Honestly, your friendship means the world to me. I love you so much.
Tyler - You're probably the most important person in regards to the health of my mental state, and you never fail to turn things around, even if it's just in the slightest ways. I can't believe how long it has been since the day we met, but just as I've said before, I'm entirely indebted to the reasons why this is so. When things got hard, I knew I could count on you and I knew that in someway, you would understand or could relate. Stop pretending you're not a beautiful person, because I know for a fact that you wouldn't have stood by me that terrible summer if you hadn't of had the heart for it. These times are tough but in due time we will all receive some happiness to carry us on to the future.
As for all of you beautiful people out there in the world, maybe you just need to take some time to thank the people who stand by you always. You don't even have to give them your letter or email, or whatever means of communication you choose to use, just think about it. It always seems to make me feel better. I'm all about giving you ideas to make YOU feel better, as well.
Keep holding on.
In due time, happiness will be presented.
-Kylie
Monday, June 20, 2011
Just a recap and update
I am extremely sorry for the few months in between this post and the last. Sometimes time really does pass you by before you realize you've got some catching up to do. I can't say a whole hell of a lot has happened since the last post, but I didn't exactly say anything about myself. There has, however, been a lot of differences with the new year. Not everything has gone as smoothly as I would have preferred, but the year is significantly better than the last.
Just three days after the new year I turned 16 years old. Growing up I always thought that the age sixteen meant something meaningful. Maybe that somehow I would be treated in a better manner or have a new thread of light shown upon me. Nothing like that happened. In fact, it felt worse to be older and still have no say in anything I do. One year closer to freedom, two years too far away.
Alright, so after the birthday, the home situation went downhill rapidly. It ended up with my sister being removed from the home and placed into foster care, then a group home, and then finally into her biological father's custody. All because my mom decided to lift her hand again. Things after that...were bad. I flipped out during a family therapy meeting and pretty much told everyone to go and fuck themselves because the help I needed I wasn't getting. I was depressed and tired from being told repeatedly how much I'm not loved by other people and how much I'm fine. Just like before, I bottled everything up inside because being rejected hurt too much to face. After that, therapy was canceled completely and everyone kept pretty much to themselves. Until one night, problems escalated again. (So I don't have to write anything out again, here is what happened because of the escalation: Click me! )
The "anniversary," if you will, of when my mother put me in the hospital last year past without a single problem, even though I freaked about it for a month in advance.
Not too long ago I found out my sister has been placed back in foster care and if she tries to run away (again) she'll be put into juvenile detention for 6 months.
There's really no need for me to dwell on the past anymore. Or at all.
So, now I bring you to the most recent adventure I have been on. Ever since I decided that life is too important to complain about my situations, it has been a pretty nice ride. Here and there there have been major problems just like before, but I'm dealing with everything so much better. I haven't even thought of suicide since then. Yeah, I'm generally depressed at home, but like I said, I've created a better environment inside of myself. Anyway, for Father's day weekend (Starting on a Thursday, actually) I went on a canoe trip with my step dad and three of my sisters. Possibly the most fun I have ever had in my entire life. It was honestly like I was in an entirely different dimension where it was okay for me to eat and not think about getting fat and where I could have fun and not remember the place where I reside and the place I most dread. It got me thinking...what if I felt like this all the time?
I think I have the answer. Or, at least, I think I know how I can manage to feel just like that. It's really our own decision where our moods and feelings can be found. We just have to place ourselves in the situations we truly want to be in. If home to you isn't a home at all, figure out how to make yourself feel in place. Surround yourself by the people you love and don't forget those people exist, ever. Life really IS as important as many make it out to be. Almost 6 months have passed into the new year and you should be a stronger person than where you started before it arrived. And if you feel behind, there will always be time to work yourself up to where you feel best.
I don't have much else to say. I've been constantly distracted the hours I've been trying to write this. And I've been distracted by the beautiful world we live in.
Say no to the fucked up parts. Don't forget them, try to help them, and never be apart of them.
You're too beautiful to lose the reason why we're human.
Stay strong
Stay beautiful
Believe in a home you'll someday find.
I love you all so much
-Kylie
Just three days after the new year I turned 16 years old. Growing up I always thought that the age sixteen meant something meaningful. Maybe that somehow I would be treated in a better manner or have a new thread of light shown upon me. Nothing like that happened. In fact, it felt worse to be older and still have no say in anything I do. One year closer to freedom, two years too far away.
Alright, so after the birthday, the home situation went downhill rapidly. It ended up with my sister being removed from the home and placed into foster care, then a group home, and then finally into her biological father's custody. All because my mom decided to lift her hand again. Things after that...were bad. I flipped out during a family therapy meeting and pretty much told everyone to go and fuck themselves because the help I needed I wasn't getting. I was depressed and tired from being told repeatedly how much I'm not loved by other people and how much I'm fine. Just like before, I bottled everything up inside because being rejected hurt too much to face. After that, therapy was canceled completely and everyone kept pretty much to themselves. Until one night, problems escalated again. (So I don't have to write anything out again, here is what happened because of the escalation: Click me! )
The "anniversary," if you will, of when my mother put me in the hospital last year past without a single problem, even though I freaked about it for a month in advance.
Not too long ago I found out my sister has been placed back in foster care and if she tries to run away (again) she'll be put into juvenile detention for 6 months.
There's really no need for me to dwell on the past anymore. Or at all.
So, now I bring you to the most recent adventure I have been on. Ever since I decided that life is too important to complain about my situations, it has been a pretty nice ride. Here and there there have been major problems just like before, but I'm dealing with everything so much better. I haven't even thought of suicide since then. Yeah, I'm generally depressed at home, but like I said, I've created a better environment inside of myself. Anyway, for Father's day weekend (Starting on a Thursday, actually) I went on a canoe trip with my step dad and three of my sisters. Possibly the most fun I have ever had in my entire life. It was honestly like I was in an entirely different dimension where it was okay for me to eat and not think about getting fat and where I could have fun and not remember the place where I reside and the place I most dread. It got me thinking...what if I felt like this all the time?
I think I have the answer. Or, at least, I think I know how I can manage to feel just like that. It's really our own decision where our moods and feelings can be found. We just have to place ourselves in the situations we truly want to be in. If home to you isn't a home at all, figure out how to make yourself feel in place. Surround yourself by the people you love and don't forget those people exist, ever. Life really IS as important as many make it out to be. Almost 6 months have passed into the new year and you should be a stronger person than where you started before it arrived. And if you feel behind, there will always be time to work yourself up to where you feel best.
I don't have much else to say. I've been constantly distracted the hours I've been trying to write this. And I've been distracted by the beautiful world we live in.
Say no to the fucked up parts. Don't forget them, try to help them, and never be apart of them.
You're too beautiful to lose the reason why we're human.
Stay strong
Stay beautiful
Believe in a home you'll someday find.
I love you all so much
-Kylie
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Heh. The world is in our hands. I found this photo on deviantArt.com. It's very symbolistic, in my opinion. It shows that we do have control over the earth, because we're in charge of what happens to it. We're the one's who create pollution, littering and bad habits.
The world is just as important as you yourselves are. Yes, the world is beautiful but...we have to keep it that way. Just like it's your responsibility to keep your head held high and your chin set, with a smile on your face, looking back into the mirror and telling yourself, "Look. You ARE gorgeous." (Poem posted below for more on the mirror issue)
My next point about the photo is it's quite ironic. Ironic in that there is starvation in the world, but the world happens to be an apple that we can eat. What can YOU do to help the people that are starving?
>More importantly, what can you do to help Japan at this moment in time? Natural disasters have left them almost helpless in parts, and it's a sad sight. Donating anything to help will make you shine a little brighter, for such great purposes. There is so much you can do for the world. Do it.
Here's the aforementioned poem (written by someone I know):
i looked into the mirror today
and the mirror looked back.
i said to the me behind the glass
head down shoulders slumped
no heart no conviction:
you'll never be worth it.
silence.
then the mirror-me looked up
shoulders up, chin up, proud
and said:
who are you to tell me
what i'm worth
what i'll be
what i am?
i am you you are me
and i fucking DEMAND
that you treat me with respect.
that's what i'm worth.
that's what you're worth.
and you'll have it.
you're right, i said.
i am, i said.
i love you, we said.
and on went our day
a little brighter.
And with that I leave you to wonder, lovelies.
Keep it simple
Keep it beautiful
-Kylie
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
This is it
I wrote a poem, and thought it might bring some spirits up if I shared it. It's about life. And how you should be who you are, and embrace the you you are because you've made yourself, and kept yourself running, after each and every obstacle put in your path.
I think life is a lot less than we make it out to be, but at the same time, way more than anyone could ever imagine. We leave so much for granted and act like we have the worst lives in the books. Well, no one says you don't. But try and live it as is, because it's what you have, and there's nothing else to do but die. And that's not an option until it's beautiful, like memento mori <3
Beautiful Life
The weakness is unavoidable
but you're afraid to embrace
the inevitable.
If scars could sow themselves up
to blend with skin
before the damage was done
Would you choose to let it mend
Or reveal yourself as you are now?
and should be
No regrets left on the path
leading from the heels of your feet
To the beginning
where you once began.
What if starting over
was just a button
on the tips of your fingers?
Would you push it
Or follow the footsteps
you created
when you first learned to run?
Free as a dragonfly
Small as a rollie pollie
But still able to survive
against the world as we know it.
If they're making you choose
Refuse
to let them take away the rights
of owning every emotion
by humankind.
When life gives you love
you accept the hate that follows
With the tears and the laughs
and the everything that is.
Life is not a game
and we are not the players
Life is an open book
With the beginning
Middle
And end not set and stone
But cut between choices
Chosen by us as ourselves
and followed with the consequences
Like each written page should be.
So we are the characters we create ourselves
In the story book that we continue to write, as well
And with each blink of your eyes
a few more words are added
to the intersection you've come so far to get to.
Several more chapters
with more than enough years
to sell to Bella Morte herself
For a bella vita accomplished
For those who aren't familiar with the Italian language:
bella morte - beautiful death
bella vita - beautiful life
And I'm out.
Stay beautiful, and lead a beautiful life.
-Kylie
I think life is a lot less than we make it out to be, but at the same time, way more than anyone could ever imagine. We leave so much for granted and act like we have the worst lives in the books. Well, no one says you don't. But try and live it as is, because it's what you have, and there's nothing else to do but die. And that's not an option until it's beautiful, like memento mori <3
Beautiful Life
The weakness is unavoidable
but you're afraid to embrace
the inevitable.
If scars could sow themselves up
to blend with skin
before the damage was done
Would you choose to let it mend
Or reveal yourself as you are now?
and should be
No regrets left on the path
leading from the heels of your feet
To the beginning
where you once began.
What if starting over
was just a button
on the tips of your fingers?
Would you push it
Or follow the footsteps
you created
when you first learned to run?
Free as a dragonfly
Small as a rollie pollie
But still able to survive
against the world as we know it.
If they're making you choose
Refuse
to let them take away the rights
of owning every emotion
by humankind.
When life gives you love
you accept the hate that follows
With the tears and the laughs
and the everything that is.
Life is not a game
and we are not the players
Life is an open book
With the beginning
Middle
And end not set and stone
But cut between choices
Chosen by us as ourselves
and followed with the consequences
Like each written page should be.
So we are the characters we create ourselves
In the story book that we continue to write, as well
And with each blink of your eyes
a few more words are added
to the intersection you've come so far to get to.
Several more chapters
with more than enough years
to sell to Bella Morte herself
For a bella vita accomplished
For those who aren't familiar with the Italian language:
bella morte - beautiful death
bella vita - beautiful life
And I'm out.
Stay beautiful, and lead a beautiful life.
-Kylie
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Maybe there's more to the years...
Four more days until Christmas, and yet each hour that we get closer to it, the less it even feels like winter itself. Kansas is rather warm for the winters, and makes me wonder if the hoax of global warming is really a hoax at all.
For some of you, the year has blown after pretty fairly. And for others, well, let's just say it hasn't been the best year yet. For me, it's been the worst of the 15, almost 16, years of life. Over 6 months ago, my mother beat the life out of me, and left me panicking on my bed, hyperventilating and scared out of my whits. There were bruises on my face, neck and collarbone. Hair fallen on the floor from my scalp, and bruises unseen on my head. Slash marks on my arms and a bite on my wrist/hand. I still have the scar from the bite. A constant reminder that my family is nutcase insane, but I'm living, because there's nothing else I can do to get OUT. I'm not one to believe in heaven or hell, but I'm not ready to leave this world quite yet for whatever comes afterwards.
A few weeks ago, my dog of 8 years was stolen. She was like my first best friend. And it hurts knowing that this Christmas, she won't be there to open her presents.
And the last big event of late happened today. I come home to a mailbox full of cards written to myself and siblings from the grandparents my mother has shunned. We have not seen them in 4-5 years. After opening the card, I grabbed the phone and phone book, and called my grandmother. We sat on the phone, myself, and two of my sisters, with her and cried, and exclaimed how much we missed each other. We made her day, but it has made my year.
Grandmothers and grandparents are one of a kind, don't ever let them go. If they love and care for you, why bother letting the relationship stray away? Family is one of a kind...and sometimes it can be tempting to let those relationships stray away, but all you need is a little more heart and forgiveness to let it all go. And when it's not enough, because sometimes the forgiven don't deserve the forgiveness, don't let it bring you down. Move on, carry on, and stick to the one's who are there. Sometimes your family isn't really a family at all, but a pack of friends. If it's all you've got, it's what you need, then hold onto it.
Surrounding me are the people I love, and the people I distrust. There will always be all types of people around you, and you can't let it get in the way. Obstacles are meant to be overcome through the years. Maybe that's what the years are for, to see how much you CAN, in fact, overcome. It's all a test. And aging only shows how much and long you've survived. It's not a race, but if you can last, you're a survivor <3
~Kylie
For some of you, the year has blown after pretty fairly. And for others, well, let's just say it hasn't been the best year yet. For me, it's been the worst of the 15, almost 16, years of life. Over 6 months ago, my mother beat the life out of me, and left me panicking on my bed, hyperventilating and scared out of my whits. There were bruises on my face, neck and collarbone. Hair fallen on the floor from my scalp, and bruises unseen on my head. Slash marks on my arms and a bite on my wrist/hand. I still have the scar from the bite. A constant reminder that my family is nutcase insane, but I'm living, because there's nothing else I can do to get OUT. I'm not one to believe in heaven or hell, but I'm not ready to leave this world quite yet for whatever comes afterwards.
A few weeks ago, my dog of 8 years was stolen. She was like my first best friend. And it hurts knowing that this Christmas, she won't be there to open her presents.
And the last big event of late happened today. I come home to a mailbox full of cards written to myself and siblings from the grandparents my mother has shunned. We have not seen them in 4-5 years. After opening the card, I grabbed the phone and phone book, and called my grandmother. We sat on the phone, myself, and two of my sisters, with her and cried, and exclaimed how much we missed each other. We made her day, but it has made my year.
Grandmothers and grandparents are one of a kind, don't ever let them go. If they love and care for you, why bother letting the relationship stray away? Family is one of a kind...and sometimes it can be tempting to let those relationships stray away, but all you need is a little more heart and forgiveness to let it all go. And when it's not enough, because sometimes the forgiven don't deserve the forgiveness, don't let it bring you down. Move on, carry on, and stick to the one's who are there. Sometimes your family isn't really a family at all, but a pack of friends. If it's all you've got, it's what you need, then hold onto it.
Surrounding me are the people I love, and the people I distrust. There will always be all types of people around you, and you can't let it get in the way. Obstacles are meant to be overcome through the years. Maybe that's what the years are for, to see how much you CAN, in fact, overcome. It's all a test. And aging only shows how much and long you've survived. It's not a race, but if you can last, you're a survivor <3
~Kylie
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Listen up, it's important
The world is growing darker as each day passes by, and it's tearing me apart. Your saddness is making me grow cold with saddness, as well. All of my friends...they're falling off the edge, and dragging me down with them. A lot of them want to die. A lot of them won't even tell me what the hell is wrong. They're blocking me out, and I don't know what to do because I'm trying *everything*. Suicide...is not the way to handle anything. I've been in these places. I just got done sitting in the bathroom with a razor in my hand, contemplating slicing away what's left. But I placed it back down. Because I'm not falling again. I refuse to go back to the darkest days of my life, and I refuse to let all of you get there, too.
When someone tells you they're there for you, let them be. If you need space, okay. But you need to let that person, or those people in, at some point. Because all they want to do is help and they love you. Don't hide it all under a facade, I had to find out from other people I don't even know that she was going to kill herself, and in fact had already attempted. I've been going around asking everyone else what's wrong with him because he won't open up. Don't let it come to this; don't leave your friends wondering, let them know you're okay, or you're not okay. If time is what you need, we'll give it...but time honestly doesn't run on forever. We love you guys. I love you guys.
I'm so scared to do anything...I've caused myself sickness, I keep crying because I hate to see the world in such a depression. Friends, lovers and fighters, be there for everyone out there. Be there for one another. Don't be afraid to take that one person's hand and let them know...how much you love them.
I love you Courtney.
I love you Tyler.
I love you all.
Keep the beauty.
-Kylie
When someone tells you they're there for you, let them be. If you need space, okay. But you need to let that person, or those people in, at some point. Because all they want to do is help and they love you. Don't hide it all under a facade, I had to find out from other people I don't even know that she was going to kill herself, and in fact had already attempted. I've been going around asking everyone else what's wrong with him because he won't open up. Don't let it come to this; don't leave your friends wondering, let them know you're okay, or you're not okay. If time is what you need, we'll give it...but time honestly doesn't run on forever. We love you guys. I love you guys.
I'm so scared to do anything...I've caused myself sickness, I keep crying because I hate to see the world in such a depression. Friends, lovers and fighters, be there for everyone out there. Be there for one another. Don't be afraid to take that one person's hand and let them know...how much you love them.
I love you Courtney.
I love you Tyler.
I love you all.
Keep the beauty.
-Kylie
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Calling all unity for peace and love!
Hello all of you beautiful souls! It's been a terribly long time since I've written to all of you, it kinda makes me sad. But, here I am, ready to give more information :)
I hope you all know that last month (October) was special for several reasons. Honoring those suicide victims who were tired of living in a hell where everyone was against gays; fighting against breast cancer, preventing domestic and all other types of violence, and there was even National Coming Out Day, on October 11th. Everyone should know that we're all equal. Equality is literally the key to everything. We should all be equally loved as humans, and we should all be equally punished for our wrongs. No one should be excluded from the world for race, sexual preference, shape and size, or background. Is it so hard to have one simple unified thought? All we need...is love. And equality brings that. If you can set aside the differences, what is there to keep you apart? It all comes down to your beauty, your souls, and the hands that reach out towards each other for comfort and friendship. Be the person the world wishes you to be, a broad enough statement that is broken down into one simple meaning: Be loving. Caring. Peaceful. And you become the rest as you wish to be, afterall, that's what makes you YOU.
It seems the world is in a sort of depression right now. Conrtoversial issues, lack of money and job opportunites, and a lack of caring. Create a way to make something a little better, a lot less in the hole than it already is. Get the community to chip in one dollar per person to save towards something tremendous, or to help towards those in dire need of the help. Make a club at your school on peace and equality, speak out and tell others how you feel, you'd be surprised on how many other individuals feel the same way, but are just like you and don't know how to, or want to, speak it out, in fear of losing what they have. There will always be that number of people who are against you...and let it be. Because the right idea comes with bringing all the same great thoughts together as one to create what will block out the wrong. You can do it. You all can. Because what's beautiful can <3
--Kylie
I hope you all know that last month (October) was special for several reasons. Honoring those suicide victims who were tired of living in a hell where everyone was against gays; fighting against breast cancer, preventing domestic and all other types of violence, and there was even National Coming Out Day, on October 11th. Everyone should know that we're all equal. Equality is literally the key to everything. We should all be equally loved as humans, and we should all be equally punished for our wrongs. No one should be excluded from the world for race, sexual preference, shape and size, or background. Is it so hard to have one simple unified thought? All we need...is love. And equality brings that. If you can set aside the differences, what is there to keep you apart? It all comes down to your beauty, your souls, and the hands that reach out towards each other for comfort and friendship. Be the person the world wishes you to be, a broad enough statement that is broken down into one simple meaning: Be loving. Caring. Peaceful. And you become the rest as you wish to be, afterall, that's what makes you YOU.
It seems the world is in a sort of depression right now. Conrtoversial issues, lack of money and job opportunites, and a lack of caring. Create a way to make something a little better, a lot less in the hole than it already is. Get the community to chip in one dollar per person to save towards something tremendous, or to help towards those in dire need of the help. Make a club at your school on peace and equality, speak out and tell others how you feel, you'd be surprised on how many other individuals feel the same way, but are just like you and don't know how to, or want to, speak it out, in fear of losing what they have. There will always be that number of people who are against you...and let it be. Because the right idea comes with bringing all the same great thoughts together as one to create what will block out the wrong. You can do it. You all can. Because what's beautiful can <3
--Kylie
Monday, September 27, 2010
Love is all you need, and love is what you'll always have
Dear friends, teenagers, adults and friends of this world...Life can be so tough and horrendous, and sometimes crawling under that rock just isn't enough, you want to take the last few steps to fall from the cliff, but life...can also be so rewarding and beautiful. Take this and keep it on your mind always, because the terrible and the wonderful go hand in hand, which means there is no one without the other. Life IS a roller coaster, darlings. And sometimes the loops feel never ending, but they all end somewhere. It's inevitable.
Recently, my close friend hung himself. Luckily his step father found him in time, but with the lack of oxygen for 6 minutes, he went into a coma. I haven't heard anything since then, and I'm hoping with all of my heart that he'll make it out okay. He should know that because I care, because all of his friends care, it means we love him. And he doesn't need to leave us if he's got all he needs. Happiness comes with coping with all of it, and I know anyone can do it as long as they try their hardest. I have been through SO much, I know exactly how life can seem, and to be honest, I hate it most of the time myself. I've wanted to die, I've TRIED to kill myself and it's gotten me no where, and now I see how much those people in my life care and love me. That doesn't mean that I don't still wish to die sometimes...because I do. It's not wrong to think like this. As long as you stop and think about it, and don't act on it, everything will go by alright, because you can get through anything. I want to share so much with all of you...everything I've been through. So you know how much we have in common, how other people go through similar terrible shit. Wish it, try it, ACCOMPLISH it. I have faith, and so do others.
Someone out there loves you. Several out there love you. No matter what they tell you, no matter what you tell yourself. I care. I know I'm a random girl you all don't know...so how can I care? I care because I know what it's like and I know how it feels and I know...that everyone needs someone, and everyone is so beautiful, I don't understand this wonder yet it is so tremendous. I love you all, I truly do. So do one thing for me...and live, because it's all under this one sky, in this one world, in this one life.
Stay beautiful. <3
-Kylie
Recently, my close friend hung himself. Luckily his step father found him in time, but with the lack of oxygen for 6 minutes, he went into a coma. I haven't heard anything since then, and I'm hoping with all of my heart that he'll make it out okay. He should know that because I care, because all of his friends care, it means we love him. And he doesn't need to leave us if he's got all he needs. Happiness comes with coping with all of it, and I know anyone can do it as long as they try their hardest. I have been through SO much, I know exactly how life can seem, and to be honest, I hate it most of the time myself. I've wanted to die, I've TRIED to kill myself and it's gotten me no where, and now I see how much those people in my life care and love me. That doesn't mean that I don't still wish to die sometimes...because I do. It's not wrong to think like this. As long as you stop and think about it, and don't act on it, everything will go by alright, because you can get through anything. I want to share so much with all of you...everything I've been through. So you know how much we have in common, how other people go through similar terrible shit. Wish it, try it, ACCOMPLISH it. I have faith, and so do others.
Someone out there loves you. Several out there love you. No matter what they tell you, no matter what you tell yourself. I care. I know I'm a random girl you all don't know...so how can I care? I care because I know what it's like and I know how it feels and I know...that everyone needs someone, and everyone is so beautiful, I don't understand this wonder yet it is so tremendous. I love you all, I truly do. So do one thing for me...and live, because it's all under this one sky, in this one world, in this one life.
Stay beautiful. <3
-Kylie
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Refresh!
Well, people of the internet...it's been a long and hard first half of the year. For a lot of people out there, not just Erika and I. I would like to bring up a fact that Erika mentioned in one of her earlier posts: We're not just some babbling-think-we-know-it-alls. We've been in similar, if not exact, situations as all of you have. Her and I together have pretty much been through everything, you name it. We've got the experiences, we're giving the advice from the heart and the mind, because maybe you need to hear it from someone just like yourselves.
I think what I would like to talk about in this post is the reinventions of a person. We've all made changes, about ourselves, and with certain things we do, but this is different. I don't technically mean changing yourself as YOU, but changing what's around you, the *people* in your life that only cause you more harm and extreme, unecessary stress, rather than good, for the better of you moving on in life. No, I have not tried it. I'm going to begin starting now. It's an idea that popped into my head while overthinking my stressful past events, and agonizing the one's to come. Is it possible to renew a person? Can someone flush all of the bad influences away, and replace them with people much better? The answer, I believe, is yes. Starting with the simpler people is the beginning, and yes, it's going to be hard. But you have to think about yourself for once, and if not for once, again, because at the end of the day, what matters is You. Now is the time to take the steps towards caring more for yourself, which means getting rid of the one's that are keeping you locked in the same position. Tell those people how you feel, that you think it would be better for yourself if they just stayed away. You can let them know you love them, if you do, but that your heart and your head can't take any more stress without faltering. And if they understand, maybe they'll listen. But if they don't, perhaps it's time to take it up a notch. No Contact Orders, which, let me tell you, are way easier than restraining orders (I would know, I have one. :\) But this is only if necessary, I wouldn't want any of you having to go through such situations, as I know they may already be far worse.
Like me, I'm gonna start with the simpler ones, that ones I can remove now. But, unlike a lot of the people, there are one's I must wait for time to erase. Like my mother. I'm still living at home, and yet she's the biggest bad influence in my life, and I'll have to wait years before I can move out, and click my refresh button.
Just hold on to hope, all of you. Because with time, things might just get better. And you are capable of clicking that refresh button, it's always there as an option.
And remember...You're always beautiful <3
--Kylie
I think what I would like to talk about in this post is the reinventions of a person. We've all made changes, about ourselves, and with certain things we do, but this is different. I don't technically mean changing yourself as YOU, but changing what's around you, the *people* in your life that only cause you more harm and extreme, unecessary stress, rather than good, for the better of you moving on in life. No, I have not tried it. I'm going to begin starting now. It's an idea that popped into my head while overthinking my stressful past events, and agonizing the one's to come. Is it possible to renew a person? Can someone flush all of the bad influences away, and replace them with people much better? The answer, I believe, is yes. Starting with the simpler people is the beginning, and yes, it's going to be hard. But you have to think about yourself for once, and if not for once, again, because at the end of the day, what matters is You. Now is the time to take the steps towards caring more for yourself, which means getting rid of the one's that are keeping you locked in the same position. Tell those people how you feel, that you think it would be better for yourself if they just stayed away. You can let them know you love them, if you do, but that your heart and your head can't take any more stress without faltering. And if they understand, maybe they'll listen. But if they don't, perhaps it's time to take it up a notch. No Contact Orders, which, let me tell you, are way easier than restraining orders (I would know, I have one. :\) But this is only if necessary, I wouldn't want any of you having to go through such situations, as I know they may already be far worse.
Like me, I'm gonna start with the simpler ones, that ones I can remove now. But, unlike a lot of the people, there are one's I must wait for time to erase. Like my mother. I'm still living at home, and yet she's the biggest bad influence in my life, and I'll have to wait years before I can move out, and click my refresh button.
Just hold on to hope, all of you. Because with time, things might just get better. And you are capable of clicking that refresh button, it's always there as an option.
And remember...You're always beautiful <3
--Kylie
Sunday, August 1, 2010
First August Post
Normally I wouldn't be on here with 2 posts so soon, but I don't see why I shouldn't plus I have good reason to. One of which being that I want to have the first post of August before Kylie stealz it. But there are a couple other reasons too.
First and foremost: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nReOeW1UckI
This above is a video from one of my favorite youtubers. Some of you may have already heard of Shane Dawson and his reputation for being a maker of hilarious videos, but recently he's making more meaningful videos, still with some humor, but the underlying meaning is clear. Two of his newest videos are about highschool drama, the first of which is about growing up fatherless and Shane wanting to be the dad he never had. The second one is the link I posted above. It's about eating disorders and being comfortable in your own body.
The second thing I want to talk about is sixbillionsecrets.com and givesmehope.com. The first one isn't necessarily a happy site, but it allows you to post your secrets anonymously. The secrets posted range from overly depressing to innocent, but the community is very supportive. Once when someone said they were going to kill themselves, tons of posts showed up begging them to live. The second site is a much happier site, with posts about the small things that give people hope. This all leads into my third topic.
Last night while on sixbillionsecrets, I was voting on upcoming secrets when I came across one from a girl named Katie. She had started cutting when she was 12 and was now 14. She said she couldn't stop and begged for help, leaving her email address. The first thing I did was email her, and I hope I made her day. She did reply, thanking me, but really I should be the one thanking her. Helping her, even with just a single email, knowing I may have made her feel good for a while, has made me feel better about myself than I've felt in a long time.
So I'll leave you all on this note: When you get the chance to help someone, take it, because that might have been/may be you. And Katie, if you ever read this, thank you.
You're all great and beautiful and just amazing.
<3Erika<3
First and foremost: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nReOeW1UckI
This above is a video from one of my favorite youtubers. Some of you may have already heard of Shane Dawson and his reputation for being a maker of hilarious videos, but recently he's making more meaningful videos, still with some humor, but the underlying meaning is clear. Two of his newest videos are about highschool drama, the first of which is about growing up fatherless and Shane wanting to be the dad he never had. The second one is the link I posted above. It's about eating disorders and being comfortable in your own body.
The second thing I want to talk about is sixbillionsecrets.com and givesmehope.com. The first one isn't necessarily a happy site, but it allows you to post your secrets anonymously. The secrets posted range from overly depressing to innocent, but the community is very supportive. Once when someone said they were going to kill themselves, tons of posts showed up begging them to live. The second site is a much happier site, with posts about the small things that give people hope. This all leads into my third topic.
Last night while on sixbillionsecrets, I was voting on upcoming secrets when I came across one from a girl named Katie. She had started cutting when she was 12 and was now 14. She said she couldn't stop and begged for help, leaving her email address. The first thing I did was email her, and I hope I made her day. She did reply, thanking me, but really I should be the one thanking her. Helping her, even with just a single email, knowing I may have made her feel good for a while, has made me feel better about myself than I've felt in a long time.
So I'll leave you all on this note: When you get the chance to help someone, take it, because that might have been/may be you. And Katie, if you ever read this, thank you.
You're all great and beautiful and just amazing.
<3Erika<3
Saturday, July 31, 2010
*sigh*
I haven't written in a while for many reasons, the underlying of which is I don't want to lie. I ask myself "How can I write and tell all these people who may read this now or in the future that everything will be ok, when even I do not believe it?" To me this is lying. Right now I do not believe everything will be ok, things will happen, I will hate them, I'll get over them, they'll happen again. A stupid cycle, no? And I do not want to be a liar, to tell you all that everything is great and fine and I am a happy person, to give you the impression I run around picking daisies and preaching happiness. I want you all to know that I've cried myself to sleep. I've went to bed upset night after night. I've woken up screaming and crying from nightmares. I've locked myself in my room and thrown things. I gave up eating for 3 days before someone begged me to eat. I've contemplated giving up on life. But yet I'm here writing this. I want you all to know that these people that want to help, we understand. I refuse to sit here and preach to you about how you should eat more and not throw up, or how cutting won't help, or even how therapy is good for you. No, I'm going to tell you I understand. I understand the feeling of being hopeless, of feeling like you have nothing and no one to live for. And I will never tell you I'm a better or stronger person because I can slowly overcome it, because YOU are the stronger person for putting up with it. But alas, how can I leave such a depressing post like this, but oh no, I shan't. (Yay for olden English?) There is some good news amongst this. There is hope of overcoming it completely. And how, you may ask? By taking those little moments to forget. Gaze at the moon and lose yourself in thought. Remember the happy times with friends/family. Just forget, even if just for a moment, lose yourself in calmness.
At times like these, I turn to my pet cat. I know she will always be there, unlike people. After so many times of crazy crying and not having anyone pick up the phone, she was always there. And because not everyone has a pet, I want to help those like me who have no one there. Here's my personal email: rubiansavior@gmail.com I check it all the time. Here's my hotmail for IM: rubiansavior@hotmail.com I am often there. And if all else fails, try here: http://chat.mibbit.com/ At the top in the drop-down bar go to Coldfront And where it says nick, enter your name. And as for the channel, type: #starlit_night I am nearly always there, and I want to be there because I know what it's like when no one is. If I fail you and am not around, yell at me, berate me, hate me if you must, because I too know how that feels.
On an ending note, take care. If help is ever needed, I am here. Find those moments to remember the small things and to forget, it's your first step to being happy, no matter how many steps you must take.
Stay beautiful forever and always, because I think you are.
<3Erika<3
At times like these, I turn to my pet cat. I know she will always be there, unlike people. After so many times of crazy crying and not having anyone pick up the phone, she was always there. And because not everyone has a pet, I want to help those like me who have no one there. Here's my personal email: rubiansavior@gmail.com I check it all the time. Here's my hotmail for IM: rubiansavior@hotmail.com I am often there. And if all else fails, try here: http://chat.mibbit.com/ At the top in the drop-down bar go to Coldfront And where it says nick, enter your name. And as for the channel, type: #starlit_night I am nearly always there, and I want to be there because I know what it's like when no one is. If I fail you and am not around, yell at me, berate me, hate me if you must, because I too know how that feels.
On an ending note, take care. If help is ever needed, I am here. Find those moments to remember the small things and to forget, it's your first step to being happy, no matter how many steps you must take.
Stay beautiful forever and always, because I think you are.
<3Erika<3
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Overdue, but here nonetheless.
I think a new post is well overdue.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to say that I have been going through a really tough time, as is Erika, and that is the reason we've been so behind on our blog. I'd like to throw in there that, with going through all the hardships, I'm becoming a better person, and maturing more than I thought I could. So I want you all to think about the difficult situations you're in, and look at it as if it were rounding you out more as a person. And we're humans, nonetheless, we're going to make mistakes, it's just how we are! Humans are idiots, and we have to face that fact, but we're also extremely smart and we also have to realize THAT. So tell me, can you out-smart your idiotic being?
Seriously, I love you all, and keep being beautiful <3
--Kylie
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to say that I have been going through a really tough time, as is Erika, and that is the reason we've been so behind on our blog. I'd like to throw in there that, with going through all the hardships, I'm becoming a better person, and maturing more than I thought I could. So I want you all to think about the difficult situations you're in, and look at it as if it were rounding you out more as a person. And we're humans, nonetheless, we're going to make mistakes, it's just how we are! Humans are idiots, and we have to face that fact, but we're also extremely smart and we also have to realize THAT. So tell me, can you out-smart your idiotic being?
Seriously, I love you all, and keep being beautiful <3
--Kylie
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Saving The Starving
Okie dokie, it's been awhile since there's been a post. Lots has been going on!! I recently just got back from my national forensics tournament, that lasted a week, and it was absolutely amazing, and tiring, and I've got some stories!
First story. The second day we were in Kansas City, Missouri, before the tournament actually began, our 7 students that had made it to nationals were signed up to "Save the Starving" with hundreds of other people, by making meals for Haiti. It was THE most tremendous experience in my life. (so far.) You feel fantastic just by thinking to the future of the children and men and women who will be eating the meals you've made, and surviving at least one more day after the tradgedy they'd gone through. You feel happy because you are taking the extra steps in helping many, many people. The first day, there were 425,000 meals made. That is a LOT of meals, and a lot more people who won't go hungry for one more day.
Now the second story is really personal. Before I left for Kansas City, I went through a terrible situation within my family, and I was put into the hospital for a few hours. Looking back at it, I see the situation could have been prevented if I hadn't been standing in the past (Also known as Living In The Moment) practically my entire life, and even now. (I'm trying to step out... I'm trying to let go.)I also realized how many people care about me, people that I have looked over for a long time. So what I want you to do...is think about all the people that care about you, don't think just once, if you have to, think three times. Remember them during the good, and bad, times. It might just help you hold on, just like it's been helping me. I also want you to stop living in "the moment." (I also heard a speech on this. It was absolutely amazing, as well, and it sorta clicked in my head.) By living in the moment, you're holding yourself back. No matter if the moment was bad, or good. With the good moments, you must remember them, and keep those memories for when you're feeling low, but do not, by all means, hold onto the moment for the sake of remembering how good it was, and WISHING how good it could and should be in the present. Things DO change, and THAT's what you should remember most. As for the bad moments, which are the ones I have the most trouble with, I can't tell you to forget them. Forgetting, for one, isn't always the best, and two, it's hard. I can't do it, why should I make you do it? The bad moments can be remembered as lessons, lessons that you've learned from, and proceed to learn from. And if they aren't lessons, which sometimes they aren't, like moments you had no control over, try not to think back to them, because now is waaay more important than bad memories that have scarred you and still cut you open.
I think I've pretty much forgotten everything I was going to say (stupid train-of-thought)so I'm going to leave it at this: Remember the good and bad times scarcely, because as those might be important, what's more important is now, and the people who care about you in this now.
Lots of frikkin love!
--Kylie
First story. The second day we were in Kansas City, Missouri, before the tournament actually began, our 7 students that had made it to nationals were signed up to "Save the Starving" with hundreds of other people, by making meals for Haiti. It was THE most tremendous experience in my life. (so far.) You feel fantastic just by thinking to the future of the children and men and women who will be eating the meals you've made, and surviving at least one more day after the tradgedy they'd gone through. You feel happy because you are taking the extra steps in helping many, many people. The first day, there were 425,000 meals made. That is a LOT of meals, and a lot more people who won't go hungry for one more day.
Now the second story is really personal. Before I left for Kansas City, I went through a terrible situation within my family, and I was put into the hospital for a few hours. Looking back at it, I see the situation could have been prevented if I hadn't been standing in the past (Also known as Living In The Moment) practically my entire life, and even now. (I'm trying to step out... I'm trying to let go.)I also realized how many people care about me, people that I have looked over for a long time. So what I want you to do...is think about all the people that care about you, don't think just once, if you have to, think three times. Remember them during the good, and bad, times. It might just help you hold on, just like it's been helping me. I also want you to stop living in "the moment." (I also heard a speech on this. It was absolutely amazing, as well, and it sorta clicked in my head.) By living in the moment, you're holding yourself back. No matter if the moment was bad, or good. With the good moments, you must remember them, and keep those memories for when you're feeling low, but do not, by all means, hold onto the moment for the sake of remembering how good it was, and WISHING how good it could and should be in the present. Things DO change, and THAT's what you should remember most. As for the bad moments, which are the ones I have the most trouble with, I can't tell you to forget them. Forgetting, for one, isn't always the best, and two, it's hard. I can't do it, why should I make you do it? The bad moments can be remembered as lessons, lessons that you've learned from, and proceed to learn from. And if they aren't lessons, which sometimes they aren't, like moments you had no control over, try not to think back to them, because now is waaay more important than bad memories that have scarred you and still cut you open.
I think I've pretty much forgotten everything I was going to say (stupid train-of-thought)so I'm going to leave it at this: Remember the good and bad times scarcely, because as those might be important, what's more important is now, and the people who care about you in this now.
Lots of frikkin love!
--Kylie
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
An idea
OK, so, you're feeling down, having one of your moments, a mental breakdown, whatever. You need to make yourself feel better, so here's an idea for you. You can do it anytime, even if you're in an optimistic mood. Actually, it's more than one idea, but they can all work. One, is to write a letter to your future partner. It's an idea I got out of the book Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. Start with Dear Boy/Girl and just write, tell them about yourself, how much you're looking forward to finding them someday, things you want to do with them, how you feel. If you're brave enough, post it as a note on FB, or if you don't want your identity known, go ahead and email it to us, we'll post it anonymously on here as an example for you and everyone else who needs hope. Another idea is to write a note to your future self. Go to futureme.org and write yourself an email that will be sent in the future. You can set the date and everything. Maybe you want to make it a year from now, or a couple weeks, it doesn't matter. You may even give yourself inspiration. If you're having a good day, tell yourself about it, and maybe the day you receive it will be a bad day and it may cheer you up. Or if you have a bad day, write all your thoughts down and when you do get that email, maybe it will help you recognize that you need to be more positive, or maybe that you need to seek professional help. Either way, I always find the best way to express yourself is to write! Who cares if you suck at writing? Let it out and then tear up the paper, delete the paragraph, erase your words. And if you can't bear to do that, like I said before, email whatever you wrote to us, we'll do the best we can to post it on here. Because we're here for YOU. If you need advice or just want someone to talk to, email us! We'll get back to you ASAP, and if you just need some cheering up, email us and tell us that and I'll make sure you get some kind of inspirational message everyday, whether it's simply "You are beautiful" to "He doesn't deserve someone like you."
And finally, some background info, we started this whole blog when I came up with the idea of putting a slip of paper into library books before I returned them saying "You are beautiful" on one side and the link to the blog on the other. I haven't gotten any library books yet, but I'm hoping to this week. If you all want to spread the word, go ahead, start doing it too. Make it spam on facebook, myspace, and twitter. Tell all your friends to start doing it. Make your own group or club to start spreading the love and word. Actually, let's make it a contest. :) If you want to, enter it by August by sending us an email. You can enter alone or as a group. Keep careful track of how many papers you put in library books, how many sticky notes you put on mirrors in public restrooms, and how many notes you slip into lockers. And come on guys, be honest now. :) By December, whoever has the most will receive some kind of prize. Maybe an inspirational t-shirt or poster. IDK yet, give us ideas and we'll see what we can come up with.
So guys, ttyl. Spread the love and stay beautiful. :)
<3Erika<3
And finally, some background info, we started this whole blog when I came up with the idea of putting a slip of paper into library books before I returned them saying "You are beautiful" on one side and the link to the blog on the other. I haven't gotten any library books yet, but I'm hoping to this week. If you all want to spread the word, go ahead, start doing it too. Make it spam on facebook, myspace, and twitter. Tell all your friends to start doing it. Make your own group or club to start spreading the love and word. Actually, let's make it a contest. :) If you want to, enter it by August by sending us an email. You can enter alone or as a group. Keep careful track of how many papers you put in library books, how many sticky notes you put on mirrors in public restrooms, and how many notes you slip into lockers. And come on guys, be honest now. :) By December, whoever has the most will receive some kind of prize. Maybe an inspirational t-shirt or poster. IDK yet, give us ideas and we'll see what we can come up with.
So guys, ttyl. Spread the love and stay beautiful. :)
<3Erika<3
Dragonfly
Second post today? Yep. Why? I had another one of my revelations. (You'll hear about the first one later.) So, I'm playing third base in my softball game I had tonight. I'm crouched down, ready for whatever comes at me, when something flies over my head. I look up to see a dragonfly. Normally, people would be like, "Oh hey, a dragonfly, cool." and get on with their business. Nope, not me. I took one look at this dragonfly, and I watched it as it flew around, without a care in the world. It was flying around in a dangerous area, where it could potentially be hit with a softball and be squashed and dead, or have one of the softball players wack it with their gloves, again being squashed. But it didn't look at the situation like that. It was like it was telling everyone else, "I'm here, I'm gonna be here because I feel like it and I'm gonna be okay. Don't anybody try and stop me or get in my way." It's like the saying...it was as free as a bird. (haha, funny, because it's practically like a bird. I mean, wings + sky, right?) Anyway, so why can't we be more like a dragonfly? Feel free, BE free? Which brings me to my first revelation, which most of my friends have already heard about, but now it's time to share it with the world. I had this revelation not too long ago, outside of my therapy office. I was sitting, and I looked down to find a rollie pollie crawling along the gigantic road, a huge landscape for the poor fellow, known as a sidewalk. As I watched the rollie pollie slowly crawl on, I realized that, if someone as small as he could make it on the large ground, let alone the world, why couldn't I? Why can't you? We are clearly larger than he...and perhaps we can crawl along this life, maybe with several obsticles, just like my finger was for the rollie pollie, and be alright. We can survive, and we will. As long as no one smushes us. Aha.
Keep hanging in, be like a rollie pollie and get through all the obsticles you're put up against, and try to be free like a dragonfly as much as possible :)
-Kylie
Keep hanging in, be like a rollie pollie and get through all the obsticles you're put up against, and try to be free like a dragonfly as much as possible :)
-Kylie
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